Close one out. . .

. . .before you can start the next.

Hello, everybody! I hope you all had a Happy Christmas, or a Merry whatever-you-celebrate for your winter holiday--Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Eid-al-Adha, Yule, Festivus. Hope I didn't exclude anyone! Really. But now it's December 31st, the last day of the two thousand and seventh year of our common era. So we approach another new set of days. This is momentous for me, as every milestone is now a Milestone--not so much because it could be my last--that's true for all of us--but because in a way, each holiday is now a goal for me and I really have come to appreciate and want to recognize every one, at least a little. So tonight I celebrate the coming of a new year (at home, with my pup Zito, although he doesn't get to drink. He's only five, after all)! 2007 was pretty good, all things considered, and I think I personally came through it without too many lacerations or contusions. Cuts or bruises either. Hope you all did at least as well!

So, 2008, whaddaya got??? (Double-fisted chest thump) Bring it, baby!

Thanks

I hope all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and want you to know I give thanks for each of you, my family and friends, and also any strangers who may be reading this. Every day I thank God for placing all y'all in my life. I love you all.
We should wake up every day grateful, for each other, for the opportunity to experience the day, for what we have that makes our lives good or comfortable or worthwhile, and for the difficulties we face that make us better people. We each have our own Everest to climb, and the reward comes when we reach the summit.
I'm grateful for the challenges that make me stronger, the support that allows me to face my challenges, and for Zito.
Big thanks for reading!

Bleh

I think I'm taking a little dip into melancholy again. I say again, but I don't think I've blogged about it before. I don't want to now either, anymore.

A Rant of Little Importance. . .

to maybe anyone but me. I know this will probably seem silly to many of you out there, but we all have some small thing or two that bugs us. . .don't we? And since I'm in the middle of a stretch of seven graveyard shifts, my brain is in another Zone. You know the one--it starts with a Twi and ends with a light.
With that in mind, I have decided to start here with my new campaign, and that is to encourage the proper pronunciation of the word. . . Bruschetta!
Broo-sket-ta! Broo-sket-ta! Broo-sket-ta! Not Broosheta! Thank you for your support.
(Not really sure where that came from, or even why. Chalk it up to a mild case of bloggorrhea).
Thanks again.

I have a question. . .

and I really need is a good answer to this one. To me, this is one of the Ultimates.
Why, oh why, is there something, and not nothing?
Note, that question is WHY, not HOW.

86!!!

Need I say more? Eighty-F#$%*in'-six!

44 Big Ones

I turned 44 today. I started my first blog almost exactly a year ago--two days after my 43rd birthday. Seems like a long time and no time at all--completely the same and completely different.
There must be some kind of Zen teaching in that.
But anyway, at that time I didn't know how significant my next birthday would be. In another life, my 44th birthday might have made me feel old. In this life, I feel grateful, grateful for the people I love, friends and family, for my dog, for the opportunity to live and learn, to continue trying to discover What It All Means and How Some of It Works, for the life I've had thus far and for whatever is yet to come, for the teachers, known and unknown, formal and (mostly) informal, who have illuminated my path and/or demonstrated the courage and strength I try to maintain in myself.
I think I'll celebrate all of that and all of us after I get off graveyard shift. Until then--ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
By the way, at my last appointment with my oncologist, Dr. Lopez (the new one), after some tense waiting that was rather reminiscent of my recent bone and CT scans, I found out the marker was down to 127. 127!!!!!!
Oh. Yeah.
Thanks for all the birthday wishes. Happy Birthday to Me! Now I gotta get ready for work.

Who? What? Where am I?

It's almost 1 am and I've got 4 graveyard shifts to go, then five more days straight (including one double shift and a shift-and-a-half) before I get a day and a half off. Then 7 more graveyards. Am I crazy? What was I thinking when I got myself into this? It's interesting and challenging, but is it worth it if it's only about money? I've decided, in the long run, no it's not. But I'm stuck in the short run for now. Oh well, whaddayagonnado.
I was just reading some of my old posts from last year and I was reminded of my condition back then, really not so long ago. Hard to believe it's been 11 months since I couldn't walk outside my door without sucking wind and we discovered the cancer had returned and spread. It all came crashing back after I saw my regular doctor yesterday (or was it two days ago? Who knows at this point, I'm slipping into in the twilight zone). Dr Yadegar was so glad to see me that it was a little disconcerting at first--as he said, I wasn't doing too well when last I saw him, which was back before I started getting a needle stuck in my back, and in fact he's the one that got that little ball rolling. This time, I went to see him about a laundry list of trivial complaints--finger hurts, sore shoulder, can't sleep, got allergies, whaa whaa whaa--nothing major, I just don't need these little issues distracting me, trying to knock me off my path. So he said he was happy to see me, to see how well I'm responding to treatment and doing overall. I felt kind of proud of my progress and it felt good to just check in, maybe show off a little as I strolled in wearing flip-flops, aloha shirt and slightly fading Hawaii tan.
When I left, he said again how happy he was to see how well I'm doing, because "Last time I saw you, you were very sick." Oh, yeah. . .I guess I was. Then I mentioned this to a friend who said, "Well that's kind of scary." Is it? I suppose I knew how sick I was, but it's easy enough just to move on and kind of let that stuff drift to the back of my mind as I work too much, try to see some daylight, and make sure my Pupito doesn't forget me while I sleep the days away.
It might be time for a serious priority readjustment. Seems like I'm in a holding pattern, not really making any serious strides toward God, enlightenment, the meaning of life, or a clean house.
Maybe I should start by hiring a maid.

Welcome home

I got back from Hawaii a week ago today, and now I'm at work for the sixth day--how depressing is that. What a contrast the last couple of weeks are! From island time (try wait. . . ) to rushing every morning to get to work on time--not an easy task for me; from hangin' outside every day to sittin' inside this control room, seems like most of the time. I'm pretty sure I prefer Hawaii and will be moving there as soon as possible, and if you can't find me at home or at work, I'll be at the beach. That's the best way to get your vitamin D, you know, from the sun. Gotta get those nutrients.
I've got a lot to write about, and if I ever finish unpacking, I'll sit down and blog longer. But I still feel good, and I've noticed the better I feel, the less I write.
I see a new doctor this week, since my oncologist Dr. Lewis retired. I'm a little nervous, as I'd come to trust Dr. Lewis, and really feel he was a positive force on my journey, both medically and emotionally. He's the first person who told me, after my initial diagnosis, that I was "not cooked," and that's what gave me the first nudge in the right direction, towards hope despite uncertainty, and courage despite fear, and strength despite pain. But life is change, and change is life, and on my passage through, I've learned that the only person I can be sure will travel my entire life with me, from start to finish--is me. People--friends, family, doctors--come and go, or maybe come and stay, and that's not cynicism, I don't think. I've just learned that you have to appreciate the intersections and not waste time wishing for the past. Learn lessons, remember, grow, and keep moving forward. The only thing that's permanent is impermanence. True dat?
Well, I guess I had a little more to say today than I originally thought. OK. Next time, I'll either write about entropy or my new tattoo. Or both. Or something else entirely. Maybe quantum physics, cosmology, and how God is a Higgs boson.
Happy Saturday and Aloha.

some days. . .

not so much organized. just chaos.

A little something for a Monday

More good news. . .the marker is down again. I had blood work done this weekend, and it's down from 181 to 161. We're doing something right! I heard something the other day (can't remember where), but someone said, Don't live like a sick person trying to get well, live like a well person fighting off sickness. I think that's what I do--most of the time, anyway--but it's gratifying to hear somebody else put it into words. I am fighting it off! It may eventually catch up to me, I accept that, but not if I can help it. I will never give in to this cancer. Never.
Oh, and 30 days from now, I'll be in Hawaii!

Now and then I wonder . . .

How to balance planning for the future and living in the moment? That's what I've been trying to figure out. When I was in high school I knew a kid with cancer, and I remember someone reading from her journal at her funeral. "Live each day as though it were your last." I know a lot of people try to live that way, but it seems kind of hopeless to me. Maybe we should live each day as though it were the most important. I don't know how long my future is--maybe two years, maybe 20. None of us knows. So I can't just put my head down and push forward, making plans for five or ten years out, with no regard for today. I do know I feel more aware of each moment now--time somehow seems to move more slowly. What time is wasted time?

Even better than I thought

Sometimes life throws you curveballs, and you get to hit 'em out of the park!

I got good news from my doctor earlier this week. I had bone and CT scans, and he called to tell me they showed the cancer is either stable or responding. I guess I didn't listen closely enough, because it's better than it sounds. But let me start near the beginning. . .

When the bone scan was complete and I was still laying on the very uncomfortable machine, the tech asked me, "Are you in any pain?" No, I told him.
So he left the room for a minute, came back and asked, "Have you had any falls or accidents lately?" No, I said again, knowing he wouldn't tell me--lab techs never do--but I asked anyway, Why?
"Oh, the doctor just wants to get a history," he said evasively. All he really did was make me very nervous because I've had this done 5 or 6 times now and never had these questions. What does he see, I wondered. I knew he wouldn't tell me--lab techs never will. And I couldn't look at the scan myself because the inconsiderate guy closed it on his computer screen!

So when Dr. Lewis called, basically all I heard was "The bone scan is negative. They saw a contusion on your right hip. They concluded it's a bruise, not cancer that's spread to the bone, la la la. La la la la la. Good news"

Today, I got the actual lab write-ups from both scans. The bone scan is just as Dr. Lewis described--negative! Now the CT scan, on the other hand. . . woo-hoo!!!! There's a small mass in my left chest wall that's shrunk by about a third. I have some liver lesions that have not shrunk in size, but appear to be dying off from the inside ("necrosis"--a lovely medical term), and no new ones. There were nodules in my lungs that have "almost completely resolved." That's "near complete resolution." Again, that's "ALMOST GONE." And no new ones.

This is the best news I've had since last August. The therapy is working, I'm feeling good, and I'm on the right path. I have too many items on my To-Do list that are not yet crossed off, too many big questions still unanswered. I got a lot of work to do. . . BelieDat!

Word for the day:
floordrobe: n. A form of storage for clothing which requires no hangers, drawers, doors or effort. Simply drop on the floor and you have a floordrobe

I currently have one of these. Actually it's more of a top-of-dresserdrobe or still-in-laundry-bagdrobe. . .but you get the idea. Just one form of organized chaos.

A (New) Starting Point

My old blog Click here
Start from the last page on the bottom and work your way up to get caught up, if you're interested!